I can't unknow this........

i could break down and cry
laugh it off and deny
draw lines in the sand
and count on both hands
all the reasons why

this just won't work
it'll be nothing but hurt
i can swear that i don't
and maybe one day i won't
but for how hard i've tried

i can't unlove you
my heart can't unbreak
i can't unfeel how it felt
but feel so much myself
my whole body ached
and i can't unknow this
Lord, i wish i knew how
but i can't unlove you
so come love me for now

if i were 25
i know just what i'd do
i would have already kissed
till i was drunk on your lips
a thousand times too few

but we have other lives
and we know it ain't right
this is going nowhere
if i'm with you i don't care
take me nowhere tonight

they call it fire
but it feels just like drowning
well the weight of my burning desire
closing in all around me
i wasn't lost until you found me

To the girl he loved after me

I think you’re really pretty.

I used to hate thinking you were really pretty.

I used to wish you were plain; I used to wish you were boring.

I used to wish you had dead bodies in your closet or that your Instagram photos weren’t so freakin’ cute.

Because maybe then he wouldn’t have chosen you.

But a few months ago, I had a life altering realization.

And that is why I’m writing this letter.

---

I’ve been wanting to have this conversation with you for a while because I feel that I owe you an explanation as to why I was in love with your love for so long.

I know he’s yours now.

But he was once mine.

And we were once happy.

For three years, I was the one who lifted him up and made him feel like a little kid. I was the one racing him down sidewalks and watching him scream I love you at the top of his lungs. I was the one helping him learn to be more out going, to like himself and to open up to others. I was making him happy.

I was his.

Because you weren’t there.

He had never said your name before.

He had no idea that you even existed.

And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy the days when you were nonexistent.

The years before I heard your name for the first time were the most beautifully tragic years I’ve ever lived through.

I remember the way he looked at me after he saw me dance for the first time. He counted how many times we made eye contact that night and it turned out to be about 30 times… We were kind of ridiculous like that.

I remember when he kissed me for the first time.  We wanted to see if what we were feeling was real, or was it just a little crush. We met in the stair well after work.  It was Valentines Day.  We kissed. We both froze......it was real. 

I remember when he told me he loved me almost every single day after that.  143 he said.  I didn't know what that meant, he explained, it was a family thing.  I was excited to be part of this.

I remember the moment I thought I realized he was not the guy I was going to end up with.

I remember watching our love tailspin to rock bottom when I became insecure with the relationship and demanded unrealistic things from him.

I remember him leaving me.  For you.

I remember wondering what I had done wrong.

I remember feeling so far away from God because I believed He had taken the only true love I’d ever experienced away from me like He was tearing skin from the bone.

I remember not leaving my bed for three months.

I remember hearing your name for the first time.

I remember crying.

A lot.

I remember the bad months just as much as the good months.

And I honestly can’t tell you which ones hurt more.

---

I sometimes wish I would forget all the sweet facts that make up who he is as a person.

But I memorized them as I’m sure you have.

We both know he’s an introvert who tries exceptionally hard to be an extrovert. We both know he loves beer and scotch. We both know he suffers from occasional crippling anxiety. We both know how much he loves his son. We both know he loves pulling pranks but is also terrified of getting in trouble because he’s a good boy at heart. We both know he loves music, and would love to play again some day. And we both know his darling mother means more to him than either of us ever could.

We both know him fairly well.

You more so than I.

But then again, you held his hand much longer than I did.

I never so strongly believed in a love like I believed in him.

He was the one.

Was.

And I truly believe there is more than one person out there in the world that we are meant to be with.

Because if there’s only one, then wow, we’re all screwed.

---

So if I’m no longer in love with him… why did I decide to write this?

Because I want you to know that I feel no resentment toward you.

And that I just really hope you make him happy.

Because that is all I ever wanted to give him.

Happiness.

His happiness meant more to me than my own. I was unable to give him the happiness he needed.

And it almost killed me.

I hope your love lasts much longer than ours ever did, and I hope you don’t see me as his ex-love who is resentful because I no longer carry his heart around.

I’m merely the girl who was meant to love him right before you came along.

And even though I didn’t know that for a very very long time (I may not have known it until I finished writing this letter), I know it now. And it’s a role I’m not ashamed to play.

Because at least I got him for three years.

At least I had enough time to memorize him completely.

At least I have his love safe in my heart so I can revisit it whenever I miss him.

I do miss him.

A lot sometimes.

But I’m always reassured with the beautiful fact that he has you.

And you won’t leave him.

---

And that is why I wrote this for you.

Because I think you’re really pretty, and I think it may in fact be forever between you two.

And if you were meant to be his life long love story,

Then I’m just happy to be the prologue.

Love,

The girl he loved before you

no goodbyes, only see you later

I have not been home since you left long ago
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven

Counting steps,.. walking backwards on the road
I'm counting my way back to heaven

I can't be free with what's locked inside of me...
If there was a key, you took it in your hands.
There's no wrong or right,... but I'm sure there's good and bad
The questions linger overhead

No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
I wish that I could hold you... wish that I had
Thinking 'bout heaven

I let go of a rope,... thinking that's what held me back
And in time I've realized,... it's now wrapped around my neck
I can't see what's next,... from this lonely overpass
Hang my head and count my steps, as another car goes past

All the rusted sign we ignore throughout our lives
Choosing the shiny ones instead
I turned my back,... now there's no turning back

No matter how cold the winter,.. there's a springtime ahead
I smile, but who am I kidding?
I'm just walking the miles,.. every once in a while I'll get a ride
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven

I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...

143,
m

you held me down, but i got up

i use to bite my tongue and hold my breath
scared to rock the boat and make a mess
so i sat quietly, agreed politely
i guess that i forgot i had a choice
i let you push me past the breaking point
i stood for nothing, so i fell for everything

you held me down, but i got up
already brushing off the dust
you hear my voice, you hear that sound
like thunder, gonna shake the ground

you held me down, but i got up
get ready, cause i had enough
i see it all, i see it now

Roar - Katy Perry

Get up, take a stand!!!

memories....

as the year comes to a close
i try to recall the good and the bad of the year that just flew by
its hard for me to sort through everything that has happen
somethings bring heartache
somethings bring a smile

it seems we always say
i hope next year is better
and then something else happens
which brings me to accept that every year is going to have ups and downs
every year is going to be good and bad
it is how we live
day by day

i do have to be thankful for many things
and most of those things are my family
and my friends
without each one of them, the days would be hard to get through

i am thankful
and whatever 2014 has for me
bring it
i am ready

whatever you do, make a splash
m

i want you to live forever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33snM578oKA

Such an inspiration to me!!!

This little cupcake has spent most of her life in the hospital battling cancer
she took her first steps in the hospital

she has had 8 surgeries
14 rounds of chemo
and she still continues to smile

Lilly and her parents were living between the Los Angeles Childrens Hospital and the Ronald McDonald House
They lost everything to fight for their LILLY!!! Their jobs, home, belongings, pets....everything
Today this little cupcake is cancer free

she went for an MRI on Friday and are waiting for the results now
there was a mass close to her heart, and they are waiting for the results to see what this mass is

HOPE
we are all hoping its nothing........

a good case of the BLAHSSSSS

so today is one of those days
not really sure what is going on
i havent been feeling well for a the last week, and now i am just blah
i dont think this weather is helping much either
its rainy, cold
misty, foggy and warm
the weather here in Louisiana can NOT make up its mind
yuck...pretty....yuck...pretty
thats normal here
we should be use to it
but....doesnt mean i have to like it

i need to get out and get my shopping done

Christmas will be here before we know it

Karma, she is a bitch

but oh how sweet it is
=)

I just love a good karma "gotcha" moment

and this is why I don't try to hard to get back at people
instead I forgive
and let it go
it makes me feel better
and eventually that person will pay
might be months, might be years, but they will pay
i promise

i have seen it

so forgive
it brings peace
to your soul

The rusted signs, left just for me

Tidal waves don’t beg forgiveness
'CRASHED' and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may

And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Nature has its own religion; gospel of the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend

And the 'CLOUDS BREAK' at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They’ll all come ‘round

And the road 
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down 
I feel that this is just goodbye for now

my father
in his own way
has shown me so much
how to love, how to let go and how to be happy
others might disagree
but I am well aware of his ways
and what he intended to teach me
I resisted in a lot of ways
but as I grow, I know, exactly what he was trying to say

I love you daddy,
Mich

come back

If I keep holding out
will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof
it's only rain that I feel
I've been waiting out the days
Come Back.

I have been planning out
All that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away
Know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days

Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are
Come Back.

And these days, they linger on
And I'm the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep

If I don't fall apart
will the memories stay clear
So you had to go
and I had to remain here



But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way

There must be an open door
For you to
Come Back

And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's okay.I'll be here
Come Back

......and i fall apart

You look at me
You speak my name
I'm counting down
You are to blame

He falls together
But I fall apart
I fall apart

Where are you going?
Who are you seeing?
When are you coming back?

and sometimes........i fall apart

she built her wings

life is always full of surprises
some good
some bad
some sad
and some just hurt you to your core

i had no idea words could hurt so badly
but they do
i have never had someone i cared so much about say such hurtful things
maybe i deserved it
honestly if the person was really my friend and cared about me
i think if it was really something i deserved
it could have been said in a nicer way
i am good with constructive criticism

we all have our weaknesses
we all make mistakes
we are all looking for attention
we all want to feel wanted
we all want to feel loved
we all want to feel needed
that doesnt make me a freak
that makes me human

i am not perfect
i never wanted to be
i am prefectly imperfect
and i am proud to be that

i have had disagreements with people


she built her wings~~~on the way down

sticks and stones.....

will break bones
and words will hurt
they hurt more deeply than people realize

what is going on with Amanda Bynes???
the poor little girl is obviously desperate for attention of some kind
she seems to be posting odd pictures from her twitter
and now someone has started "bynesing"
which is being compared to planking but with a shirt over your head
why?
she isnt the only one who ever put a shirt over her head
or a blanket
or a bag
or a mask!!!














i dont understand society anymore
why do we pick on people like this
look what happen to Britney Spears
how do people sleep at night knowing they might have played a part in some of these celebrities actually going crazy
the paparazzi that surrounds every celebrity, even those that arent even REAL celebrities
they will cause you to lose your mind
i have seen them completely invade peoples privacy
and yes i know
they knew what they were getting into
but honestly, does that make it alright?
i think not

this poor girl started out acting as a child
she will join that long list of child actors who will struggle for the rest of their lives
and not only does she have the photographers and media following her every move
but she also has the common person mocking her and making fun

next we will probably see her beating some photographer with an umbrella
or shaving her head

*shakes head*

sometimes the people in this world really disappoint me
with all the "stop bullying"
and yet grown ass adults are bullying in their own little way
HYPOCRITES!!!

i was taught not to make fun of anyone when i was little
and i taught my children to same
my two boys took up for defenseless school mates that were made fun of
i know, cause i got called to school because of it
and they would come home and tell me how they felt bad for a certain child

i just wish there were more people in this world who didnt thrive on exposing the worst in others

love leaves a memory no one can steal

my heart is very heavy today
a very special friend of mine has lost his sister to cancer
this young lady had fought so hard
and was very positive with a smile at all times
until closer to her last days, she was overwhelmed with pain
and was just ready for it to end

my heart hurts for her family and her children
these children are so confused, bitter and sad
cancer is a horrible disease
and it doesnt discriminate
it affects everyone

so today
i am thankful for the ones i do have in my life
and the ones who truly care about me
its moments like this that make me realize just how lucky i am

so hug the ones that are special to you
and if they arent nearby, at least let them know you care

(hugs)

pink cowboy boots

I can remember when i was young
i always wished for a little girl
one that i could play dolls with
and dress up
and we could go shopping and get our nails done

dont get me wrong
i love my two boys
with all of my heart
i am sure there is a reason i didnt have a girl

but my sister had one
and i immediately adopted her
what a hard headed little girl she was too
i would always try to brush her hair and fix it nice
and she would get so mad
and tell me to stop

she had gorgeous long curly hair
and she would never let me do anything to it
it always looked like a mop
she was always sort of a hard, tom boy, strong willed little girl
she had an older brother that constantly picked on her
and she learned early how to protect herself
and fight back
to this day, i swear she can kick his ass

but she was the only girl on our side of the family
and my oh my was she spoiled!!
i would go visit my sister often

i remember it like it was yesterday
i would go over there and try to help her out
or just hang out with her
and everytime i knocked on the door, my niece would intercept me at the door
drag me to her room
and lock the door
she would tell me Aunt Chele you are playing with me not my mommy
i want you to stay in here with me
ok?
how could i say NO??? =/
so i did
i stayed in there for a long long time
playing, watching cartoons, coloring
whatever she wanted to do
she usually came home with me
and spent the night
her and my youngest son were like brother and sister
they use to play school all the time
so cute

i still remember, and so does she, the pink pair of cowboy boots i bought her when she was about 8 years old
she wore them everywhere
for her golden birthday, she turned 9 on the 9th of December
i took her to see her favorite Disney Movie
LIVE at the Saenger Theater
i will never forget picking her up that night
she had the cutest little dress on and those pink boots
her feet were starting to get too big
but her mom said she insisted she wear them
she was so excited
so was i
i love live theater and i wanted her to witness it too

we talked and laughed the whole way
we were so excited
we found our seats
and waited
we didnt talk again except during intermission
we were both on the edge of our seats
and unable to stop staring at the stage
it was amazing
at that moment
i was 9 also

there are many moments i remember with my sisters children and my own
and this is one of them
one i will never forget
and i dont think she will either

i love her unconditionally, as i do my two nephews and my two boys
they might mess up
but i will never stop loving them

i think i might buy her a new pair of pink boots for her birthday this year
just because
<3 nbsp="" p="">

cry cry baby

I am listening to one of my favorite artist

Janis Joplin
I was raised listening to Me and Bobby McGee
my all time favorite song of hers is Piece of my Heart
i totally get into that song
its an emotional one, and gets to me every time

so today is Janis Joplin day =)
i still cry every time i watch the Rose
she was such a lonely soul
all she wanted was someone to love her











Janis Joplin is one of the 27 club members
such tragedy that these artist die so young
over 40 of them
among the list are Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and Jim Morrison

music always makes me feel better
and yes

YOU NEED MORE MUSIC!!!

peace,
m

quiet on the set

ah yes
seems lately our little city has been popular with filming
whether it be movies, series, or a documentary
there is always someone filming somewhere around here
almost daily

we must be cheap =-) (giggle)

anyways, some time ago
we had someone come here and shot for a series 
they did street scenes
it was quite interesting
to watch a car go down the street on a trailer
while a camera is filming
quite funny actually

but today they are shooting inside
and around the grounds here at work
why?
cause we have extremely old and historic buildings here
and this show is a detective show
i think its about a detective searching for a serial killer
and its many years later

they are shooting right now, next door at an old high school that has been vacant for about 30 years
Matthew McConaughey, who won my heart in The Wedding Planner, is the main actor in this series

Titled:

Untitled Detective Project

 Two detectives, Rust Cohle and Martin Hart, lives become entangled during a 17-year hunt for a serial killer in Louisiana.

I will keep watching
Security is out there
and i am quite sure that when he comes, we will know

i am glad they took some of the boards off the windows
the smell of mold and cat urine is overwhelming in there
but there is so much history in there
including an auditorium that could be gorgeous
the wood work is amazing
the city has applied for a grant to restore this school that most of our city had attended at one time

not too long ago the SyFy channel was here filming a movie called "ghost shark"
they filmed for a day in our building

i am pleased that so many people are coming here to film
its not just in the big city of New Orleans anymore, its in the little surrounding places
like my little city!!!

This is inside the high school
there are many pictures with little dots
yes
i believe they are aura's
i cant help but think its children
or maybe even the teachers












how can this place NOT BE HAUNTED!!!!?????

Go Saints!

Ah yes
The draft is happening
We got some good. Got rid of some good ....which I hate!!! They traded one of my favorite players Ivory :(
But......lets hope they know what they are doing

So are ya ready for some football????

Cause I am!!
I need this. It's my distraction !!!
I can't wait to go to the first home game. We are going to be so loud the roof is going to come off the dome.

My sons GF is such a doll. She is the daughter I never had. Her and I get along so well. Her mom got this cheerleader doll for me. She has blond hair and brown eyes just like me and she has lucky green stones in her ears and on her ribbons. She is so cute!!!

Hopefully with this cute little cheerleaders help we will have a good season this year.

Who dat baby!!!

if love was enough

i'd wrap it around you.........

he stopped loving her today

RIP George Jones